Conflict Got You Spiraling? How First-Gen Couples in NY & NJ Can De-Escalate With Gottman-Based Therapy
“It wasn’t about the dishes—it was about feeling invisible.”
If that line hits close to home, you’re not alone.
As a Latina couples therapist in New York and New Jersey, I support first-generation and BIPOC couples who feel like conflict keeps getting in the way of connection. You may find yourselves arguing about small things, but what you’re fighting about is feeling unheard, disrespected, or emotionally drained. Sound familiar?
Many first-gen couples carry layers of unspoken expectations, cultural messages, and survival strategies passed down from family. When these layers aren’t named, even a simple disagreement can turn into a full-blown argument.
Let’s talk about how to break that cycle, with culturally aware couples therapy tools based on the Gottman Method that actually work.
Why Conflict Escalation Hits Harder for First-Gen Couples
Growing up in immigrant households or communities of color, many of us were taught to prioritize keeping the peace, staying silent, or toughening up. So when conflict shows up in your relationship, it can feel like failure, disrespect, or even danger.
These moments often bring out what the Gottman Method calls the “Four Horsemen”:
Criticism – “You always ignore me.”
Defensiveness – “Well, you don’t listen either.”
Contempt – “You’re ridiculous.”
Stonewalling – Silent treatment, checked out.
These patterns can feel especially intense when you're both trying to navigate cultural expectations, intergenerational trauma, and identity, all while just trying to communicate your needs.
5 Ways to De-Escalate Conflict Using the Gottman Method (For BIPOC & First-Gen Couples)
1. Start the Conversation Gently
When conflict starts with blame, it usually ends in escalation. The Gottman Method encourages a “soft start-up.”
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I’ve been feeling disconnected, and I miss our conversations.”
In therapy, I help first-gen couples in NY and NJ explore how their communication styles were shaped by culture, survival, and family roles.
2. Pause Before You Blow Up
If your heart is racing, your body is shutting down, or you’re mentally checked out, you’re flooded. Take a break.
Say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we pause for 30 minutes and come back to this?”
This is a key Gottman tool I use in virtual couples therapy across New York and New Jersey—especially for couples who never learned how to “take space” without it feeling like abandonment.
3. Use Repair Attempts
These are small moments that help reset the tone during conflict.
Try:
“Let me try that again.”
“I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to snap.”
“This is hard, but I want to get through it with you.”
In many BIPOC families, repair happens through food, humor, or acts of service, not words. In therapy, we find ways to make your cultural repair rituals part of your relationship healing.
4. Turn Toward, Not Away
When your partner reaches for connection—whether it's a vent, a joke, or a hug—respond with presence.
“Tell me more.”
“That sounds hard. I’m here.”
Turning toward builds trust and safety, especially for couples healing from emotional neglect, cultural disconnection, or high-stress environments.
5. Name the Cultural Layers
Sometimes what feels like conflict is a clash of cultural values or survival strategies.
Try: “I was raised to avoid conflict, so speaking up feels scary.”
Or: “In my family, raising your voice meant strength, not aggression.”
In my work as a first-gen Latina therapist offering couples therapy in NJ and NY, we explore how family roles, immigration stories, and cultural beliefs shape how you show up with each other.
Therapy That Sees the Whole You
Conflict is not a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign that something needs your care.
If you’re a first-generation or BIPOC couple looking for a culturally grounded couples therapist in New York or New Jersey, I’m here to help. Using Gottman Method tools, deep cultural understanding, and a lot of compassion, I help couples slow down, reconnect, and repair.
Let’s work together to shift your relationship from reactive to resilient.
I offer virtual couples therapy to clients in New York and New Jersey, and I specialize in working with first-gen Latinx and BIPOC couples.
Book your free 15-minute consultation or send me an email. Let’s see if we’re a good fit—your relationship deserves care that gets you.