The Antidotes — Choosing Healing Over Harm
“A gentle voice can disarm the loudest criticism.”
Shifting From Patterns That Hurt to Patterns That Heal
In the last blog, we named the Four Horsemen — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They’re patterns that can quietly chip away at intimacy, especially for couples who are carrying cultural and family dynamics into their relationships.
The truth is, “most of us were not taught how to fight fairly or repair after conflict”. For many first-gen and BIPOC adults, we grew up seeing conflict avoided, silenced, or handled with hostile words. So when these Horsemen show up, it isn’t because you’re “bad at relationships” — it’s because you’re human, shaped by survival and culture.
The good news is that each Horseman has an antidote: a practice that helps create safety, repair, and connection.
Let’s explore these patterns together, and the antidotes that can help love breathe a little easier.
From Criticism → To Gentleness
“A gentle voice can disarm the loudest criticism.”
Criticism often comes from longing: “I need you to see me, understand me.” But when our words are sharp, the message gets lost.
Antidote: Gentle Start-Up. Begin with “I feel” + “I need.”
Example: Instead of, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. I need us to slow down when we talk.”
From Defensiveness
→ To Responsibility
“Taking responsibility mends what defensiveness tears apart.”
Defensiveness is about protection — and for many of us, it’s rooted in needing to prove our worth. But when we only protect ourselves, our partner feels unseen.
Antidote: Taking responsibility, even for a small part.
Example: Instead of, “That’s not true, I didn’t do that,” try, “You’re right, I forgot. I’ll do better next time.”
From Contempt
→ To Appreciation
“Appreciation softens the claws of contempt.”
Contempt communicates, “I’m above you.” It damages love because it attacks dignity.
Antidote: Building a culture of appreciation. Naming even small things your partner does well can soften resentment and rebuild compassion.
Example: Saying, “Thank you for making dinner,” even when it’s simple, creates a habit of gratitude.
From Stonewalling
→ To Self-Soothing
“Self-soothing is the first step back when you’ve shut the door on each other’s pain.”
Stonewalling is often less about rejection and more about overwhelm. Many partners shut down because their nervous system is flooded (heavy physical sensations).
Antidote: Self-soothing and returning. Pause to calm yourself but make a plan to come back to the conversation.
Example: Saying, “I need 20 minutes to clear my head, but I’ll come back so we can finish talking.”
Why This Matters in Culturally Complex Relationships
For first-gen and BIPOC couples, these antidotes are more than just “communication skills.” They are often unlearning patterns that were passed down — patterns that made sense in survival but don’t serve intimacy now. Choosing gentleness, appreciation, responsibility, and self-soothing is choosing to create a new legacy. It’s “choosing healing over harm”.
Moving Forward…
Every time you practice these antidotes — even in small ways — you create new pathways for connection. As one of my favorite reminders says:
“Every time you choose understanding over blame, you weaken the grip of the Horsemen.”
In the next blog, we’ll talk about how couples can actively build love through rituals of connection — the daily practices that become anchors for intimacy.
If you’re ready to break cycles of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in your own relationship, know that support is available. I help first-generation and BIPOC couples untangle the weight of cultural and relational patterns so love can have room to breathe. Follow along on social media channels for daily reminders — or schedule a free consultation if you’re ready to begin creating new rituals of connection in your relationship.
Book your free 20-minute consultation today!