The Four Horsemen — When Love Loses Its Voice
“When criticism speaks louder than kindness, love begins to lose its voice.”
Love and the Patterns That Silence It
Every couple argues. Every relationship has conflict. That’s not the problem — the problem is how we argue and how we repair.
In my work with first-generation and BIPOC couples, I often see conflict shaped not only by the relationship itself but also by cultural expectations, family dynamics, and the unspoken pressure to “hold it all together.” Many of us grew up in households where emotions weren’t safe to express or where conflict meant disconnection. Without realizing it, we carry those patterns into our intimate relationships.
Dr. John & Julie Gottman describe four communication styles that can quietly damage love over time — the “Four Horsemen”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They show up across all cultures, but for couples navigating multiple worlds — “eres de aquí y de allá” — they can feel especially heavy because they echo family patterns we may have never questioned.
Let’s take a closer look at each of the Four Hoursemen — how they show up, why they hurt, and what they can teach us about the way we love.
Criticism
“When criticism speaks louder than kindness, love begins to lose its voice.”
Criticism goes beyond raising a concern and instead attacks your partner’s character.
Example: “You never think about anyone but yourself”, instead of, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call”.
In many cultures, directness or harshness was modeled as a way to “correct” behavior. But in intimate partnership, criticism doesn’t teach — it wounds.
Defensiveness
“Defensiveness is fear dressed in armor; drop the shield so love can breathe.”
Defensiveness is the shield we raise when we feel attacked.
It sounds like: “That’s not true” or “Well, what about you?”
For many first-gen adults, defensiveness is rooted in survival — always needing to prove worth, explain, or protect ourselves. But with our partner, that armor can block intimacy.
Contempt
“Contempt builds walls where compassion once lived.”
Contempt is criticism with an extra sting. Sarcasm, eye-rolling, or cutting remarks communicate that we see our partner as “less than.”
In relationships, contempt is often fueled by deep resentment. In communities where silence or self-sacrifice were expected, unspoken resentment can build until it leaks out as contempt.
Stonewalling
“Stonewalling silences hearts—healing begins with breaking the silence.”
Stonewalling happens when we shut down or withdraw, usually to protect ourselves.
It looks like silence, walking away, or emotionally “checking out.”
Many clients share that growing up, conflict was either explosive or ignored. So as adults, they shut down when conflict feels overwhelming. But silence doesn’t soothe the relationship; it only deepens the distance.
The Impact
When the Four Horsemen move into a relationship, they set up cycles that feel hard to break:
Criticism invites defensiveness.
Contempt fuels distance and bitterness.
Stonewalling closes the door on repair.
But noticing these patterns is already an act of change. It means you’re paying attention. And awareness is the first step toward doing things differently.
Moving Forward…
Seeing yourself or your partner in these patterns doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you’re human — shaped by family, culture, and survival.
The good news? These patterns can shift. In the next blog, I’ll share the antidotes — small, practical steps to move from criticism toward kindness, from contempt to appreciation, from defensiveness to responsibility, and from silence to openness.
If these patterns sound familiar, know you’re not alone. I help first-generation and BIPOC couples untangle the weight of cultural and relational patterns so love can have room to breathe. Follow along on social media channels for daily reminders — or schedule a free consultation if you’re ready to begin creating new rituals of connection in your relationship.
Book your free 20-minute consultation today!